And a distracted day

Attention span has always been a problem for me. I’m pretty sure I have ADD. Grief multiplies the effect dramatically. I drift between tasks randomly. I can’t settle into anything for long – even watching television is a challenge. I have to force myself to concentrate when I’m driving. I keep forgetting stupid things, like signaling a turn. Tears come and go randomly – usually just for a few seconds.

So, here’s what today looked like: read for a while, did a bit more organization around bill payments, 3 MHID conversations, a trip to the off-leash park with the dog, raked some leaves, took the garbage out, did some laundry, changed a light bulb, shrunk the table back to a size where I don’t feel ridiculous sitting at it, called a friend and made a lunch date, watched TV, consumed three, meals, cried a lot.

I’ve taken my engagement ring off. It looked accusingly celebratory. I am keeping the wedding band. It feels important to have at least that much of a connection.

I’m struggling. In some ways it’s not as bad as when the boy was first diagnosed. The worst has already happened so I don’t have that to fear and there’s no crushing weight of responsibility. Nobody will die now, if I make a mistake. The hard part is going through it alone this time. He was my best friend. He made everything easier. I miss the comfort of his hugs.

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