I discovered recently that a number of my friends have banded together semi-secretly to keep an eye on me. They are organizing activities to make sure I don’t spend too long alone, which explains why I’ve had calls and invitations at such regular intervals. I’m not complaining. It’s what I need. I’m not in a place yet where I want to reach out myself but I say yes to invitations when I feel up to it. I know it’s not healthy to spend all my time alone and left to my own devices, that’s what I would do.
The dog is doing his duty on that front too. Staying in bed all day is not an option and his clownish overtures make me smile. He also forces me to get out of the house regularly – I ignore his need for activity at my peril.
When I need to turn my brain off I try books or television. I’m finding both hard to concentrate on for any length of time but they work for a while.
Coffee is helpful too. If I’m dragging too much, an espresso drink can lift my mood and get me moving again.
Exercise has an effect similar to coffee. I will to try to get into a regular gym habit since that’s the most constructive outlet I have but there’s an effort there and it doesn’t take much friction to stop me.
One thing I haven’t tried yet is drinking. The boy and I used to go out for drinks sometimes when we needed a pick me up. I’ve been tempted to visit our favorite local haunt a few times but I don’t like to drink alone and I know better than to let alcohol become a crutch.
A support group or grief counselor is probably the most direct way to get help working through this. I should give it a try.
At some level I’m not sure I want to be done with grieving any time soon. The boy has been central to my world for twenty five years. It shouldn’t be easy to let him go. I don’t want to forget and move on. The ache connects us.
No MHID conversations today. First time.