First pass of the moon

It will be four weeks tonight since I lost him. I have been thinking about him a lot today. Friends were over earlier and the conversation wandered into medical territory. It wasn’t about the boy but the topic was too close to home and stirred up difficult memories. I can already tell it’s going to be a rough night.

I invited a couple of friends out – a first. I really don’t want to be alone with my thoughts. Of course, I didn’t say that. Both were busy and turned me down. I  might go out on my own if that’s the only option. I know the staff at the place I’m thinking of so I’d have company of a sort. I haven’t been there since the night the boy’s family left. I’m hoping they all know now. Our waiter tried to pass along a hello as we were leaving and I had to explain why that wasn’t possible. I asked him to pass the news along.

Everyone says ‘if you need ANYTHING’. Most mean it, I think. I have plenty of friends who are willing to be my shoulder to cry on. The truth is that I’m not close enough to any of them to to have the kind of snotty, wounded animal cry I know is coming. Our friends are wonderful but the boy and I were so close. We had no room for another best friend so I find myself trying to get through his loss without one. I might be OK with someone who had already gone through this but I can hardly wish that on my friends.

The ache is back in full force. To hell with it, I’m going out.

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