I broke my drinking alone rule for real tonight. It’s too much effort to find someone to drink with and as much as I hate the idea of using alcohol to feel better it’s a relief to be able to undo the knot. It’s tempting to get drunk while there’s nobody to see me but I’m pretty sure going beyond a second glass would do more harm than good. I’d just end up with a hangover in the morning.
I haven’t been very productive lately. There’s housework and yard work piling up and stuff to wrap up at the office before I officially resign. I really need to get back in motion again, at least for a while, but lately all my time has gone into either distractions or grief.
I’ve been looking through old photos. I had forgotten how big and strong he was once. What stands out most in the photos are his eyes. I remember noticing them when we first met. He had beautiful eyes. It wasn’t the color so much as how much of his personality and intelligence shone through and for all that he didn’t laugh out loud very often there was almost always a hint of humor there. He looked happier in earlier photos, and care free. You could see how tired he was in some of the later ones. The humor was still there though and the intelligence, and his smiles were genuine.
Bed time soon. I hate sleeping alone. He’s been with me nearly every night for half my life. I vaguely remember how it took a while to adjust to having him there. It will take a lot longer to adjust to being alone. I go to sleep holding his pillow. It still smells a tiny bit like him and is big enough to hug – a kind of therapeutic teddy bear. I’m tired. Hopefully I’ll sleep tonight. If not, I’ll try another of the magic pills tomorrow.