I haven’t been able to sit still today. I kept trying to settle down to work but no luck. Just part of the cycle. I rarely get two similar days in a row. Guess I’ll have to finish up this weekend. It will be a relief to be done. The sense of obligation is preventing me from doing other things.

I chased some paperwork tasks instead, including starting the conversation about the boy’s life insurance. It’s the default policy from my employer so not a big sum but it will pay for a few months of living expenses which means more time to get my act together on managing the stock accounts. The emotional dynamic of claiming a reward for someone’s death is … tricky. I know he would have been upset with me if I walked away from it, and that it would be stupid, but it was the most difficult of the official MHID conversations. It feels like I’m asking someone to reward me for his death.

I’ve been missing the boy intensely today. I’m starting to recognize when the emotional pressure has built up to much.  I’ve found I can release the tears with old photos. His arms can’t hold me but with the photos I get to see his eyes. It’s as close as I can get to being with him. I spent some time crying this afternoon. It released some of the pressure but I’m still struggling.

I hate not having him to lean on. Somehow even on the worst days, even if he was feeling down too, he could make me feel better. He made me feel safe – protected. I wonder if I’ll ever have that again.

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