One of my biggest crying jags hit last the other night as soon as I turned out the lights. Every time I thought I was done, I’d start again. When I get into this state it is literally gut wrenching. My diaphragm clamps down and the sobs are physical. It is nearly unbearable to want something so desperately and know it’s impossible.
They mentioned in the support group that sometimes people experience a state where they feel like their loved one is there – a profound sense of their presence. They say it brings a sense of calm and relief. The brain has all sorts of crazy mechanisms to protect us. I would love to experience that one. I wish for possibly the first time that I was a less rational person and could believe in the supernatural.
I thought about calling his sister. One of the benefits of living in separate time zones is that late night calls aren’t late where she is. I couldn’t bring myself to do it. If she saw me in that state she would never believe I was OK. She has enough to deal with.
It’s time to get professional help.