I had a couple of commitments to deal with today: a date at the gym and some prep for dinner tomorrow. They got me moving in the morning and kept me going. Once I’m in motion I’m not too bad. I even managed to throw in a load of laundry and some leaf raking – the front of the house looks much better now. I’ve started managing my caffeine more deliberately to help.  I have one shot in the morning and a booster in the afternoon. Enough to pick me up without overdoing it.

Tomorrow I have a road trip with the dog to a friend’s place. It’s where we would normally go for Thanksgiving if the stars aligned. Originally I was planning to skip Thanksgiving altogether but I accepted this invitation in the end, in self defense. Everyone wants to make sure I’m not alone for the holiday. I’m reasonable sure I’ll be OK. And the dog is generally a handful when he’s at their place so he’ll keep me distracted. I haven’t decided yet if I’ll be staying the night. They want me too but the thought of being away from home for that long makes me anxious for some reason.

I have small plans lined up for most days over the next couple of weeks so maybe I’ll stay in motion. My sadness has been nudging into more into classic depression lately so I’m concerned about getting stuck. I’m having a hard time dealing with simple things and my instincts are trending back toward wanting to hunker down alone. I recognize the slogging uphill through molasses sensation of depression from when the boy was first diagnosed. I don’t remember what broke me out of it last time, I think it just went away on it’s own eventually.

I wish I could control time. It would be nice to fast forward and get a glimpse of a happier future. Or better yet, roll back to a happier point in the past. I would do anything for a few more minutes with him and a long hug. I thought I had said all the things I needed to say but I desperately want to tell him how much he meant to me. The I love you’s weren’t enough.

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