It’s been eight weeks now. It feels like longer. I’m getting used to him not being here.
I’m doing better in several ways. I feel less mentally fuzzy and more emotionally stable. Evenings alone are getting easier. I have enough normal activities (buying gas, paying bills, going to the gym, making coffee…) under my belt now that I am not as hyper aware of the boy’s absence as I am doing them. I can focus on TV or a book for long stretches and my mind doesn’t wander off when I’m talking to someone. I’ve even started cooking for myself occasionally, which is something I couldn’t imagine even wanting to do a few weeks ago. I sleep better most nights. Three AM wake-ups aren’t uncommon but I often get six or seven hours in a stretch now without the magic pills.
Some things haven’t changed much. I still cry a lot but almost always on my own schedule now. I am still cycling through emotions but the cycle is slowing down. I can be around people easily enough as long as they don’t go too far down the sympathy path. I still spend a lot of time with my photos. I can’t handle the idea of him slipping away from me and pictures help bring him back into focus.
On the negative side, I have picked up some depression issues. Before I would have described myself as very sad rather than depressed. Now I’m in a drearier zone. I have fewer moments where the weight is lifted. I’m procrastinating on everything – the day to day stuff like paying bills and doing housework, things I need to take care of for Christmas and pretty much anything that involves decisions or planning. I’m becoming more reluctant to socialize. Where before I was anxious to spend time with other people, I find now I’m looking for excuses to cancel social commitments.
Christmas brings a whole new set of activities that I’m going to have to do on my own for the first time. There will only be one name on the gift tags this year. Every one of those tags will be a challenge. Christmas cards are out of the question. Christmas parties too. I still plan to spend Christmas with my family but I know those will be difficult days so I will keep that trip short.
It’s past time to get a grief counselor. I’ve been procrastinating big time there – which is ironic since that’s probably the best path to get past my procrastination. It’s also past time to start sorting through his belongings. I’m hoping I can coax myself to donate his clothes soon, at least. It’s cold outside and it’s the holiday season. There are other people out there who need help.