I can’t seem to stop crying today. I stop for a while and start again. I had been watching TV for hours trying to distract myself but I kept misting up. I finally gave in and have been sobbing for half an hour now – so hard at times it feels like I’m going to throw up. I want him back desperately. Just an hour would help – or fifteen minutes. I am like an addict craving a fix but I don’t have the option of giving in.
I have managed to bring him into my dreams three times now. The first time was best – a lucid dream where I was able to conjure him up intentionally and get a hug before I woke. In the next, I found myself asking where to find some documents that had gone missing and when he faded away, cursing myself for wasting those moments. On the third I started telling him just how much I loved him but he vanished immediately again. As soon as I remember he’s gone in real life, he disappears from my dreams.
It is impossible not to want him back and impossible to have him. I can see how so many people turn to drugs and alcohol when the are hurting like this. I’ve been tempted to drink my hurt away more than once but there’s also a part of me that embraces the pain because it comes from loving him.
I feel ill. My head hurts. I can’t breath through my nose. I’m exhausted and depressed. It’s tempting to just curl up in a ball and shut out the world. People go through this all the time – everywhere. We all know it’s coming. Everyone we love is a potential loss. Somehow we tune out that knowledge. We have to. We would go crazy otherwise.
It will be Christmas next week. My first without him, and the first time back with my family since the send off. The only thing I’m looking forward to about the holidays this year is putting them behind me.