Moving forward – baby steps

My drop-in support group isn’t helping much anymore. It used to feel like a relief valve. I would hold on until I got there and then release some of the accumulated tension. The faces keep changing, though, and I don’t have as much in common with the more recent drop ins. I feel like I’m there to support the newer members now rather than myself. I’ll probably stop going soon but it’s given me a nudge to reach out to the closed group sessions that are starting soon. Hopefully I’ll find a more effective balance there.

I’ve been more active lately, going to the gym, spending more social time with friends and being more generally productive, and had a couple of days earlier this week where I experienced a bit of a lift emotionally for the first time – a glimpse into a better future. The waves are still running, though, and I’ve been depressed for the past day or two. I am having to deal with some business issues that can’t be put off – things the boy would normally have been in charge of. I’m finding the stress overwhelming where before I wouldn’t have been bothered. Still, at least I know I’m capable of coping, even if I’m not enjoying it.

I’ve taken a couple of small runs at sorting through possessions but even the most innocuous items are an emotional challenge. That step is going to take a while. I have a trip planned to take the boy’s ashes home in the summer, which gives me a deadline since I will want to find items I can bring home to his family.

If I were to characterize where I’m at now it would be ‘starting to be productive’. My loss is still ever-present but I am able to work around it to get things done.

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