…three steps back.

So much for my productive phase. I’ve been hiding out most of the past week, skipping out on social plans and watching tv or reading books instead. I find I am seeking out romantic shows lately, which is probably counterproductive. Like so many of my coping mechanisms it’s an attempt to catch an echo of what I’ve lost. I doubt it’s a healthy behavior – too much like a junkie looking for a fix. My brain and heart have different ideas about how to deal.

When I’m at home the tears come off and on all day. I’ve been neglecting the dog again, leaving him alone too much and not giving him enough exercise. I feel guilty.

I’m not sure how I feel about the new support group yet. I think I’d prefer to get together without the facilitators and just talk with the others. It’s been a while since I’ve let go with someone and I’d thought the group would give me that but there’s not a lot of conversation. The stuff that gets said is real but we tend to communicate in short monologues – sharing a thought or two and creeping back into our holes.

I’m starting to think about getting a one on one counselor again. I can tell I need a real heart to heart with someone but I don’t have a friendship I want to take in that direction.

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