I have seen a number of milestones in recent months: our anniversary, my birthday, scattering the ashes, his birthday… I didn’t realize there would be so many significant dates to wrestle with. As each one looms I tell myself it is a day like any other – no need to get emotional around an arbitrary mark on the calendar. But these dates take on a life of their own. I can feel the stress rising as each one approaches. No matter what I do to prepare myself the days surrounding them are rough and I go through an emotional crash each time.
Looking back I can see how far I’ve come. I have begun to reestablish a rhythm to my life. I can enjoy activities and time spent with friends now without making such a conscious effort to control my emotions. I don’t experience the same level of exhaustion and craving for isolation I needed before to recover from that effort. My mind is getting sharper and I am starting to feel engaged. If I am not happy or energetic, I am closer, at least, than I was.
But the milestones aren’t getting easier yet – I think because they freshen the loss each time. They trigger memories and remind me of everything I am missing. The enormity of my loss has not diminished. It’s just become more familiar.
I have so much to be grateful for. I have good friends, a comfortable home, my time is my own, and I don’t have money worries. I would give it all up and start again, if I could have him back whole and healthy.