I measure my progress by productivity and activity and the past month has been good, by that measure. I have spent more time with people, kept my house and garden in order, and taken care of a couple things that had been waiting for attention for a very long time. The long, warm summer days have helped, I think, to keep my mood from crashing as often but the tears still escape off and on through the day and bed time continues to be a trial.
I can feel the season beginning to change. The days are getting shorter, evenings are cooler, and the rains have started to return. I am afraid of what the change of season will bring, especially with the most painful milestone – the anniversary of his death – on the horizon.
I have visitors coming soon. I’m hoping they will keep me occupied and distracted over the the next few weeks. But once they are gone, and the cold, dark days move in, I get to face that painful day and another winter without him. Will the fabric of my new routines hold? Or will I retreat into depression?
I may need to thaw somewhere warm for a while. Or maybe I should hunker down and ride it out. A decision for another day.